![]() ![]() ![]() Plunging camisole tops by Irene L with vintage flower prints and loads of beads ($134) would look great on her, as would all the jewel-toned silk camisoles ($56). With her husband trying to stay out of jail, Gabrielle needs to make her money spread further, so I advise her to leave her couture gowns behind and go to Purple Poppy in Mashpee Commons. Petite Eva Longoria plays the ex-runway model Gabrielle Solis, a gold digging, young-gardener-lovin' housewife struggling with her nouveau-riche life. If you are a caring man reading this, think Valentine's Day. Susan's neck is almost always adorned with a little something, so while your arms are loaded with goods, wobble your way over to the jewelry cases and pick out delicate necklaces, earrings and rings from Wasabi ($78-$225), Hannah Clark ($198-$400) and Jamie Joseph ($800 and up). I know they’re flattering as fuck, so maybe keep these in the back of your closet in case they make a comeback.Weekend, on Main Street in Orleans, is the perfect outfitter (minus the jeans) for a person like Susan with melon and tarragon (Gold Hawk) silk camisoles ($78), Park Vogel and Christina Lehr soft T-shirts ($50-$70), Tibi pinstriped pencil skirts (currently on sale) and poncho and wraps made by Ashya ($125). Nobody dresses up this much for clubs that actually lives here, and bandage dresses peaked when BeBe was still cool (and in business). Ugh, I know this is a hard one to let go of, but please refrain from wearing a bandage dress (or skirt) for your girls’ weekend in NYC. They’re not comfortable either, and definitely not more comfortable than a pair of Adidas sneakers which would actually be on trend. And unlike other trends from the era, they’re not predicted to make a comeback anytime soon. Honestly, how are people still wearing these horrible things? They haven’t been the rage since, like, 2006. We will, however, judge you for wearing anything with a visible Michael Kors logo. If you can’t afford a designer bag, just don’t get a designer bag, nobody’s judging you. As soon as every Marshall’s and TJ Maxx in the suburbs started stocking MK like liquid gold and suburban moms started buying it up, the brand’s cool factor immediately got killed. Remember when Nicki Minaj rapped about Michael Kors? Yeah, that was when the brand peaked. READ ALSO: This Lingerie Brand Just Launched A Cute AF Bralette For Bigger Boobs 9. ![]() In fact, it’s way more trendy to walk around with no bra at all and let your natural boobies fly free. If you must enhance your lady lumps, go for something booty-hugging instead. It’s no longer cool to walk around with your boobs so high they look like they’re about to hit you in the face. Vogue weirdly declared boobs “not on trend,” and while that’s pretty psycho, they kind of had a point. With jeans taking a looser fit these days, the painted-on effect of jeggings just makes you look like a desperate housewife. You could always tell they were leggings and not real jeans. While jeggings were jeanius in theory, they never actually looked legit IRL. This might be because these are just so overdone, or maybe people are mad that yoga pants are polluting the seas? 7. It’s strangely cooler to wear sweatpants (or joggers) than it is to wear yoga pants these days. READ ALSO: Fashion Insiders Claim Kitten Heels Are Cool Now 6. Kitten heels might be allegedly having a comeback, but keep the bedazzled Nina shoes in your parents’ house. Metallic and glitter are glam, these sparkly strappy prom shoes are not. I know these are socially conscious or whatever, but instead of buying these fugly shoes, just donate money to a good cause. Skinnies are losing their domination on the denim scene, and flares are coming in hot, but these in-between MILF jeans are still a no-no in the big city. READ ALSO: The 2000s Beauty Items We’ll Never Get Over 3. A city girl is way more likely to buy a $5 pair of thrifted jeans than spend $200 on name brand denim. Logos may be coming back, but save the bougie denim pockets for your 2000s themed birthday party. READ ALSO: 9 Hair & Makeup Trends That Scream “Suburbs” 2. They just scream “preteen horse girl that spends all of daddy’s money at Jamba Juice.” ![]() Thigh-high boots may be everywhere and slightly overdone, but that doesn’t mean you can get away with rocking your old calf-high boots. ![]()
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